The Center of Winter by Marya Hornbacher

Author:Marya Hornbacher
Language: eng
Format: mobi
ISBN: 9780061740367
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2005-04-10T21:00:00+00:00

That night I couldn’t sleep.

I was too excited. They were coming in the morning and I wanted to be good, I wanted to be clear and alert and in full possession of my faculties, so when the medication cart came around at the nine P.M. snack time, I took my little cup of pills and tossed them back into my mouth and made a big show of swallowing but didn’t really swallow. A few minutes later, I spat them out in the toilet and flushed. It took two flushes for them to go down.

I watched them swirl and wondered if that was really a good idea, but it was too late now.

By ten we had to be in our rooms unless we had permission to be elsewhere. By midnight we were supposed to be in bed with lights out, but they weren’t too strict about that one because some people just like to sleep with the lights on better, and besides which at midnight it was Christmas and we all had to come out of our rooms and tell each other. Then Staff herded us back to bed. By two A.M. I decided I could not possibly physically lie in bed one more dang-blasted minute.

“Staff,” I called when the shadow darkened my doorway on the two A.M. rounds.

She held still like she was caught. “What?” the nurse said.

“I gotta get up.”

“You still awake?”

“Yes. Obviously.”

“You want something to sleep?”

“No. Definitely not.”

“How come?”

“Gotta be clear for tomorrow. Alert.”

“Well, how you gonna be alert if you lie here awake all night?”

I sat up in bed. “Please can I get up.”

She sighed. I liked her. She was my favorite one, and if she got her charts done and I was still up, she’d play cards with me. She was a mean card player and was teaching me bridge, but we never had a fourth.

“All right, Mr. Up At All Hours,” she said. “But if you’re still up at five, I’m gonna make you take something. Can’t have you all revved up with your family here tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

I wrapped my blanket around my shoulders and trailed out to the dayroom. She leaned in and said, as I settled into my chair by the window, “You just gonna sit there?”

“Yep.”

“Thinking thoughts?”

“My thoughts.”

“Okay. Ring the bell, you want anything.”

“Turn out the light.”

She laughed. “Little bat,” she said, and flipped the switch.

Darkness filled the room. I sat there with my feet and hands tucked under the blanket, looking out at the glowing snow.

I felt someone come into the room. I felt the someone pause when they saw me, then cross the room and pull up a chair. Ellen and I stared at the stars.

“I know,” she said, defensively. “I do know.”

I didn’t know what to say so I wiggled a hand out of my bundle and chewed on my nails.

“You remind me of them,” she said. “Don’t know why. Don’t look a thing like them, they’re big boys. Big, strapping boys, athletes, all of them. Tommy, he was a smart one, and Dean was pretty.

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